Dustful of memories

Dusting. It's a chore in any house that needs to be done. It's the one cleaning job I like and dislike at the same time.

I like it because it's quiet. It lets me think, make mental to-do lists or organize my day while I'm doing something else. I can carry my ipod in my pocket, turn on music, a book or program and make my way from room to room with a dust cloth and dust brush. Why do I dislike it? Come on, you know how I stay away from dirt and dust as much as possible!! ;)

Nothing was different this week as I put on gloves, grabbed my dusting tools and started in the kitchen with the ceiling fan and skylight. I really, really love the dusting brush I have because it has a handle about 18" long that allows me to reach the the ceiling fan and high places (ok, I admit--I STILL end up standing on a chair in addition to that, but still...it helps!) and yet the handle isn't long enough that I hit everything behind me as I'm working.

As I'm working, one thing that crosses my mind is that I really should add this wonderful little cleaning tool to my wedding registry list. It's something I'll put to good use. I've already made note of it on my "Will Need" list when I move, but it would be a good registry item. Hmmmm...I'll have to take another look at Bed, Bath and Beyond. :)

This particular dusting brush we've had for years and it has memories all of it's own. It was one that Grandma had given to Mom for Christmas one year at my uncle's in Denver. The funny thing is that that particular brush didn't make it home with us; it ended up staying there accidentally and Grandma ended up buying Mom another one.

It was that same brush that us girls loved being able to dust with. Perhaps because of the pink and purple colors in it?? Mom never totally loved it like us girls did. She claimed that it was only "brushing" the dirt from one place to the next. Not dusting it up and getting rid of it. She preferred to use a dust cloth. Our dusting habits slightly differed from hers. But ultimately, the house still got dusted efficiently every week.

The handle has been bent in half and straightened many times. It's gone behind the fridge and under the stove to collect items out of reach. It's dusted the clock high on the wall every week. And it's the very same one that dusts off the entry way hanging light that Luke constantly hits his head on every month.

It's just a dusting brush. It's old. It's well used. It's been washed, hit against the side of the house to rid it of the dust it's gathered and had Endust sprayed on it too many times. But it holds memories in addition to the dust. Every time I pick up that brush, the thought runs through my head, "Mom didn't like this as much as a dust cloth."

And every time that I dust something with it instead of a dust cloth, I can't help but think, "Mom wouldn't have dusted this with this."

It still collects dust. That filthy, fluttery stuff. But it's also collected memories all of its own through the years. Maybe I'll replace this one with a new one for Dad to keep and pack this old pink and purple one to take with me to Colorado. Wonderful memories that it holds!

Hmmmm.....:)

28 years ago today...

...Dad and Mom were married. May 29, 1982. And 3 1/2 years ago, that bond was broken. Although to us it seems to make not a bit of sense why God would allow such a thing to happen, ultimately, God was and still is in total control.

As hard as it was that first year without Mom, I think the upcoming months and years will hold days where I wish more than ever that Mom were still here. Mom would have been overjoyed to see Krissa's wedding in a couple of weeks and mine in the months ahead!

It's on those days and special times that I could choose to ask God, "Why? Why would you allow Mom not to be here for weddings of her daughters which she looked forward to so much? Why take Mom now and leave Dad here alone?"

Why? I don't know. I don't understand. But then, God's plan doesn't always make sense to our human minds. I won't always understand or know the reason why, but I can trust. Trust, accept and KNOW that Mom's death was beyond my control and ultimately part of God's unfailing plan. And God's plan far outweighs anything else so why would I want anything different?!

Stash of Mom's pillows...

Life without Mom has become normal. Not that there's times that I miss her more than others, wish that she could be here for certain events or just want to talk with her one more time, but she's not continually on my mind like she was several years ago. But there are times when something or someone triggers a memory of Mom.

Like a couple weeks ago as I was spring cleaning the hall closets. At the bottom of one of the closets lies a pile of blankets and extra pillows. Yes, the pillows...among the extras were Mom's "special" pillows.

You see, Mom always struggled with lower back pain, but having a small pillow tucked in behind her was a great help. She would have those pillows scattered around the house - in the schoolroom at her desk, in her rocking chair in the family room, on her bed and even in the car. They were available as she needed them.

There was one in particular that she loved the best! This very lumpy, odd looking, well worn thing was the most comfortable to her. I even made her a few brand new, machine embroidered pillows attempting to get rid of the old one, and while they were nice, they weren't "it". That one in particular and a couple others traveled with her quite a bit.

After Mom's brain biopsy surgery in Wichita, she was in ICU for several days, pretty much confined to lying on her back since her right side was paralyzed. We could tell that much of the time she was uncomfortable, but because she was unable to speak and there was so much else going on with her body, we were never able to discover what exactly she was trying to tell us she needed. There were so many other life changing issues we were facing and dealing with, that we didn't fully realize that being on her back so much was a huge problem.

Until.....that one afternoon. We walked into her ICU room carrying a couple of "her pillows". Oh! The look of relief on her face! Unbelievable! As soon as we were close enough to her bed, she immediately grabbed her favorite, small, lumpy pillow and tucked it behind her. And then sat back, breathing a sigh of relief with a slightly contented smile on her face.

Ahhh, yes...we had discovered one thing that helped. That little pillow.

So now that one favorite well-worn pillow is sitting with the others that Mom used. Do we use it for anything? No. Is it more than ready for the trash? Yes. Am I ready to get rid of it? Nope, not yet. Whenever I see that stash of pillows, it reminds me of Mom and that one afternoon when we managed to get a smile on her face in some of the worst circumstances. I'll never forget that. Never.

From 2000 to 2010; what a difference 10 years makes!

2009 is gone and 2010 is here! As I've been thinking back on the last ten years (the last five especially).....oh, so much has happened! Our family has changed dramatically, friends have come and gone, jobs have changed and so much more!

In that year of 2000, who knew that...

...I would work at Southgate Fabriques for 7 years, starting out knowing so little and working my way to teacher, store manager and now owning my own business in that same field.

...the statement I made the summer before would be proven totally false. Yeah, I only stated so firmly to my sisters, "I enjoy sewing, but it's not something I would want to do every single day."

...my first plane flight would be to Washington D.C. for a Bernina sewing machine convention in 2001. And that was before 9/11 and all the security was of the utmost importance.

...I would buy my first sewing/embroidery machine - a Bernina 180, soon to be followed by three other machines.

...a car phone the size of a letter size sheet of paper would turn into a cell phone that could handle photos, texting, email and much more only being the size of a credit card. And that we have become so reliant on that piece of technology.

...Jena would graduate as a LPN and later as a RN (well, we did know she would eventually do that!), work at at the Women's Center in Dodge and then work at Meade Hospital, all the while loving her job!

...Krissa would decide print journalism was her field of expertise and would attend BJU.

...we would spend hours on the road taking Krissa to and from BJU and attending her graduation. I can so clearly recall Mom looking forward to that moment and then as it turned out, she wasn't here when she graduated.

...we would move in a three story house just down the road and Dad would remodel it to use as a rental house.

...Grandma and Grandpa would celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary and then Grandpa would only be with us for a few months after that.

...our family would be hit with a huge blow of discovering Mom's brain tumor and three months later watching her step into her eternal home. Only 10 months after Grandpa was gone.

...Krissa would move to Birmingham, Alabama (Mom would have loved knowing Krissa was in the same city where she lived for several years.) to intern at Southern Accents for 6 months.

...I would buy my very first laptop computer. And now to think I can't live without it. Well, not that original one.

...technology could change so much. To the point where it would be the basis of my business; from buying and selling to teaching online to students in other countries.

...watching Dad loose Mom would be the hardest thing I've ever been through. And how that loosing someone changes your entire outlook on life.

...I would unexpectedly find "someone just like me", named Joanna, in the most unusual circumstances, proving that God brings just the right person into my life when I didn't even know she was needed.

...Krissa would travel to California before settling in Lexington, KY, working for of all things - a farming magazine. She can't seem to get away from "the farm".

...Jena would move to Oklahoma City to fulfill her dream of working in a NICU at Children's OU.

...attending Camp Good News every summer would still be happening. Even though it's dwindled to only me, myself and I instead of all three of us.

...a certain person named Ryan would come into Krissa's life and our family would return to the happy number of five. (Becoming official this year!)

...and through it all God has remained faithful!

God has allowed hardships and struggles in our lives and yet in so many ways blessed us as well. As I look forward to the next year and following years after that, I can't begin to imagine what they will hold. Just as 1o years ago, who would have known the above. I'm thankful that even though I don't know and nor care to know, God does. And through the fun times and difficult moments, He continues to be the same unchanging, awesome God that He is.

God's perfect time to take Mom home to be with Him.

It was a Friday night in November. After battling the last three months and especially the emotional turmoil of the past week, I relinquished my bedside role to my sister and planned to sleep a little. I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted when I went to bed, but knew that more of the same was to come. It wasn't over...yet. Just as I managed to fall asleep, I heard Dad awaken me saying, "I think it's time."

Yes, it was time. It wasn't my timing. This didn't fit into my plan. As a family we weren't ready for this. But it was God's perfect time. And as I was able to see my mother take that final breath and slip from this earthly world into eternity, I felt joy and sorrow all at once. Relief that the last several months were over. Sadness that Mom was physically no longer here.

It's times like those in losing a loved one that life seems bleak. That the world as you have known it is coming to an end. But think a minute from God's perspective. God brought us into this earth and He can take us away from it at any time. To us, with our human minds, death seems sad, sorrowful. The end of a life. There's a finality to it. But in God's eyes our life here on earth is just a moment...just a fraction of a second.

You see, death is part of God's plan. Our lives here on earth are temporary. What seems like a tragedy in death to us, is only glory and victory in the life of a believer. In James 4:14, God tells us that life is like a vapor that vanishes away..."Whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away."

It was early Saturday morning now. After people had been coming and going for a couple hours, at 2 am, the final person left. I never will forget Dad closing the front door, then reaching for my sisters and myself and saying, "It's just the four of us now."

But then, through his own tears and breaking heart, Dad also said,"Just remember that our lives here on earth are temporary. Death is not the end. Our lives are like a flower that blooms and is here for a short season and then passes away. God will give us the strength to continue, to keep going on, even though Mom is no longer here. Our time is not up yet. God still has a purpose for us." As I was to find out in the months to come, He gives more abundantly than we can ever ask for or even hope to receive.

God has been so gracious and without His strength and encouragement I can't even begin to imagine what the last few years might have been like. He brought people into our lives just when we needed them. When the hard days and tough moments came, He was right there just waiting to provide exactly what we needed - whether a card in the mail, a hug from a friend or other believers to lift us up.

But keeping in mind the thought that we are here for a season, that our lives are like a flower that blooms and then fades, has been a true comfort. Realizing that God put us here for a purpose and once His purpose is finished, He'll take us home. Those simple words that Dad reminded us of that night did so much to help the grieving process. As a believer in Christ, I can't imagine anything more glorious than living for Him here on earth and sometime in the future receiving my heavenly reward!

Through Mom's death I've come to realize just how temporal my life is and to remember my goal and purpose in life - to serve Christ. To run the Christian race faithfully, serving Him in what He desires me to do. Who knows when God will take me away from this earth and will I be able to say I lived my life for Him?

As Paul says in II Timothy 4:7..."I have fought the fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith". That always refreshes me and challenges me to think and do those things that are eternal instead of focusing on the temporary things that really don't matter. Can I say like Paul at the end of my life, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith? While this verse is encouraging and challenging to me, it also brings back memories of Mom and the wonderful example of a wife and mother she tried to instill in my sisters and myself.

One thing I recall Dad saying so clearly after Mom died was, "God put her on earth to do what He wanted her to do and she has accomplished it. She finished the race. She ministered, encouraged, helped those to whom He desired her to and now she has her reward. She, like Paul, finished the course. She kept the faith."

Through the tough time of Mom's illness and death, God taught me so much! He taught me to lean and depend on Him more than ever! He reminded me to have heavenly mindset, to set my focus on things above, because things on this earth will vanish away! And He also challenged me through II Timothy 4:7, which is my true desire and hope - to fight the fight, to finish the course and most importantly...to keep the faith!

Ahhh...September!

September has to be one of my favorite months! (Although I'm sure it wasn't when I was in school!) Part of the reason I love this month is because it's my favorite season for decorating. Some of the fall decorations I put up are my favorites all year long!

I love the reds, browns and golds that blend together into luscious, rich colors. The leaves, the pumpkins, the hay-bales and all that goes with it. In addition to that, do you know how many beautiful fabrics are created in those colors tones?! Yep, I have a collection of them. I probably have more fall themed sewn somethings than I do Christmas.

But not only do I enjoy the fallish color theme that starts in September, but this month also holds so many, many memories.

Like corn harvest at "the farm". My sisters and I would get to spend a couple of days at our cousin's house while Dad helped Uncle Ron with corn harvest. Waving to Dad as he drove trucks in and out of the driveway while we jumped on the trampoline. Trying to find a way to surprise Mom for her birthday. Fun times!

And then there are the tougher ones that will never be forgotten. Like Mom slowly deteriorating more and more. Her brain tumor biopsy surgery. The darkest days spent in the hospital watching her condition worsen without any hope of recovery. The agonizing decisions we were required to make. Sad, but unforgettable times.

And what will September hold in the years to come? Don't have a clue! And I'm not sure I would want to know either!

Remembering two years ago

It's almost hard to believe that it has been two years from today that Mom passed away. In some ways it seems just yesterday that I called Krissa at school telling her to come home because Mom wouldn't be here much longer. I can still see Grandma walking through the front door after we returned home with Mom from the doctor's office and making the decision to let Mom go.

Those last few days that Mom was here on earth are still very vivid in my mind. Many of those things I won't ever forget nor do I really desire to. Yes, it was a difficult time and there are moments that I can't look back on those days without tears in my eyes, but those last couple of months spent with Mom are memories I will treasure forever.

In other ways it seems like it's been quite a while since I've seen Mom working in the kitchen, sitting outside reading or calling me to come upstairs because the computer was doing something strange. Life is normal now without Mom. There's still is and will always be a slight emptiness in our family, but I can honestly say that God has filled the void that was felt so greatly right after Mom was gone. Philippians 4:19, "But my God shall supply all your need, according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. "

God has been so gracious and faithful over the past two years! Without His strength and encouragement I can't even begin to imagine what the last two years might have been like. He brought people into our lives just when we needed them. The "missing Mom" moments have become fewer as the months go by, although there are events, phrases and little things that are reminders of Mom.

Time does heal, but you still never forget.

Sadness, but joy

Yesterday a young man from our church, only a junior in high school was killed in a car accident. Although I did not know him that well, I have visited with his family on multiple occasions at church. It has been a sad weekend for everyone at church, including our family.

I really understand what his family is feeling right now. There are decisions to make they never thought they would be making. There are events to plan that would never have entered their minds last week.

Yesterday as I was at the church, his little four year old sister was there, smiling, laughing, almost unaware of the situation her family is in. At one point she asked why everyone was so upset. One of the ladies there said they were all sad because her brother wasn't here. And she responded with, "But he's in heaven with Jesus, so that's good."

So simple and sweet. So totally trusting. He's in heaven with Jesus, so why is everyone upset? In her mind, that's a good thing, not a sad thing. If only more of us adults could have that same sweet outlook. And that is the hope we have, the encouragement we lean on, knowing that he is free of pain and suffering in a much better place than we have here on earth. But there is still the sorrow and grief we face here on earth.

The time between now and the funeral is hard, but it really gets hard when the funeral is over and life is expected to go on as normal. And yet it isn't normal. Days go by and the shock of the news and events wears off and reality sets in. That person is not here and he's not coming back. Knowing that he is with the Lord is comforting, but missing having him right here still takes time to get through.

We faced the same thing with Mom and still almost two years later, those days before and after Mom's funeral are vivid memories. Funerals and hearing of someone's loss have whole new significance since we lost Mom. I didn't fully understand or comprehend what if feels like to loose someone close until we went through Mom's sickness and death.

And yet as I really feel for his little sister who probably won't really remember her older brother, I have to smile at her little words, "But he's in heaven with Jesus, so that's good." That has been my encouragement for this weekend!

image courtesy of allposters.com

Garage sale shopping made much easier with the help of Google

10 years ago the Internet was a brand new thing in our house. With only one computer for our entire family of five (I'm not quite sure just how we survived, but apparently we made it!), our online adventures were just an email check once or twice a week and that's it!

Compare that to now, where we have more computers than we do members of our family. And you may be thinking, "You can only use one at a time. You only have one pair of hands to type on one keyboard at one time." Sorry to say, but that just has no validity to it. If you could take a peek at me now, you'd see me surrounded by three computers, all on and all in use. But most of you who know me, realize that's no great surprise.

And the Internet is not just a once or twice a week email check with a dial-up long distance phone call that we had to limit to only a few minutes. The Internet now is apart of my daily life (no big surprise there, huh?).

But seriously, once upon a time when I needed to know how to spell a word, I opened a dictionary. When I needed a phone number, I opened up the actual hard copy phone book. When I needed to know how to get to X street, I spread out a paper map, trying to figure out which way was up (or to make it much easier, just ask Dad). When I didn't have all the information I needed for a school report, the set of encyclopedias in the bookcase had the answer.

But now, there's only one word for the answer to all of the above: Google. Yep, I can type just about anything in that text box, hit the enter key and in less than 2 seconds have a list of answers at my fingertips.

The Internet and Google have changed so much of what we do. Which brings me to the real reason for this post: Did you know you can now plan your garage sale shopping with Google?

When I read that, it just brought back so many memories of garage sale shopping with Mom. I can just imagine the "planning" that would now go into Mom's garage sale hunting with the use of Google.

Mom loved, just loved "garage sale hopping" as she called it. As spring drew near every year (her favorite time of year), she would eagerly anticipate getting up early on a Saturday morning with the garage sale list cut out of Friday's newspaper and a map of Dodge City (ummm...that was a paper map, not a printed Google one...:)). With three tag-along girls, Mom would plan out her morning of hitting the best sales in one area and then moving onto the next.

It's been I-don't-know-how-long since I've actually been to a garage sale. But I can remember those times my sisters and I went with Mom. She would find all kinds of things, some of them we still have to this day - computer desk, clothes, shoes, bookcases, and so much more.

We would start early in the morning, go from sale to sale and be back home by noon or early afternoon. The best part would be when we got home. We carried in all our "treasures" and laid them out in the family room for Dad to see what we found.

Those of you who knew my Mom, know that she always was looking for a bargain and just about didn't buy anything unless it was on sale. So she would begin to outline for Dad what she bought, why she bought it, what she planned to use it for and the best part of all - how much she paid for it and how much she saved by finding it at a garage sale!

Mom was very thrifty and that is something we often talked and teased her about. We always said, "Mom didn't buy anything unless it was on sale." So when she came home with a few extra groceries that we normally don't get, we knew she only bought it because it was on sale. After every shopping trip she would look over her receipts to make sure she was charged the correct amount for all her sale items.

I'll never forget one of the first times Dad and I went grocery shopping at Wal-Mart, only a few weeks after Mom was gone. As we climbed back into the van after piling the groceries in the back, Dad hands me the receipt and asks me if I want to check it out, making sure we were charged the correct amount.

I responded with, "I think everything is ok because I bought hardly anything that was on sale and that's where the majority of errors are made." When Jena heard that, her comment was, "THAT'S where you made your first mistake.....you didn't buy anything on sale."

With Mom having been gone only a few weeks, the pain of losing her was still fresh, but that brought some smiles to our faces. Because that was so very true. And everytime I remember that conversation, I just can't keep from smiling.

So very true, so very Mom, so very good memories - garage sale hopping, bargain shopping and all!

An encouraging thought!

I have a quick thought to share with you as it is such an encouragement to me. Tonight our memory verse for the kids at kids club at church was II Timothy 4:7..."I have fought the fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith".

That always refreshes me and challenges me to think and do those things that are eternal instead of focusing on the temporary things that really don't matter. Can I say like Paul at the end of my life, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith?

A year ago at this time, we were debating what Scripture verse to put on Mom's headstone and decided on this one. So while it also is encouraging to me, it also brings back memories of Mom. But it couldn't have been a better description of Mom and the life she lived.

One thing I recall Dad saying so clearly after Mom died was, "God put her on earth to do what He wanted her to do and she has accomplished it. She finished the race. She ministered, encouraged, helped those to whom He desired her to and now she has her reward. She, like Paul, finished the course. She kept the faith."

What a wonderful future we have to look forward to! :)

Losing someone...

Losing someone you love so much is very hard, but watching another person you love, hurting and grieving over the lost of that someone is almost harder.

I miss Mom so much and there are days that I think of her more and miss her more than others. But watching my Dad day after day, knowing that he misses Mom so much seems to be much harder than the pain in my heart over losing Mom.

And sometime, there are moments harder than others...

One year ago today...

Today is a special day. One that brings sorrow, but also brings great joy! One year ago today, Mom was finally free from pain, sickness and the hardships we have on this earth. One year ago today, Mom stepped into the doors of her permanent home - heaven!

I can remember the details of a year ago as though it were yesterday. It has been a long and difficult year for myself and my family, but one in which God has shown His faithfulness and unfailing love and compassion.

There are days that I miss Mom so much. My heart just aches to talk to her and see her again. But I know that her absence from this earthly world is not the end. I know that God has a purpose in taking Mom home to be with Him. I may not like it. I may not understand it. But I can trust that God has only the best planned and this is just part of it.

Having to endure the grieving and sorrow of Mom's death has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Nothing can prepare you for the death of a loved one. God has taught me over the past year to lean and rely on Him in a way I have never had to before.

Through the sad and difficult times, He has taught me to rejoice and be glad. Safely tucked in His arms, with my complete trust in Him, I can continue to keep going on each day. How thankful can I be for the great God that I have and the years He gave me with my Mom!!!

Jena wrote this poem, When I Said Goodbye, in memory of Mom and describes the feelings around our house so well this past week.

Mom finally was able to come home...

A year ago today after being in the hospital in Wichita and Dodge City for over a month, we were finally able to bring Mom home. I can remember the smile on her face as Dad drove up to the house and Lady was there to greet Mom and Dad. Mom was always such a homebody and I know she was more than ready to be out of a hospital room and back home.

She still required a large amount of care as she could not do much for herself. Even though there was lots to do once she was home, I was so glad to be able to stop the daily trips and long stays and the hospital. Someone had to be with Mom round the clock, for several reasons, one of the main reasons being that she couldn't speak. So it was hard for her to communicate what she needed or wanted.

We gradually learned the things she would be trying to tell us, but there were still things she wanted to say and we were unable to determine what she was trying to communicate. At times it was comical, and although the situation was not funny at all, we tried to turn the hard situation into something positive. We tried if at all possible to get a smile or laugh out of her. There were only a few, but there were times we were able to accomplish it!

There were times in the hospital or at home that Mom would do something or be trying to say something and it ended up being so comical. I can remember those times and treasure the memories. Yes, it was hard and I don't want to go through it again, but I'll remember those comical things that happened for the rest of my life.

I can't help but think back...

I can't help but think back a year ago, where we were, what we were doing, how we were struggling. The past few days, my mind had been returning to what was going on a year ago frequently throughout the day.

Yesterday, September 28th is a day (plus many days after that!) I will never forget. Yesterday a year ago, Mom had brain biopsy surgery in Wichita. We knew at that time she had a brain tumor, but didn't know the extent of it or what would be required after surgery.

We checked into the hospital early that morning and Mom went into surgery about 8 am. I can remember the time spent with Mom before surgery. We stayed with Mom the entire time until they wheeled her into the surgery area. I can remember the tears, the hugs and kisses before she went into surgery. As we prepared for the long hours of waiting, we could only pray that God would direct the outcome of the surgery and guide the doctors and nurses.

After surgery, she was admitted to ICU and we were able to visit her. When I walked into her room, I thought that this just couldn't be Mom. This was not my Mom who had been so healthy and strong, so full of energy everyday, just lying there hooked up to so many tubes and machines. She was still really drowsy from the anesthesia and unresponsive to us.

The day of surgery was long, hard and so difficult. But to me the next day, the day after surgery was almost harder than the day of surgery. Since she was in ICU, there were just a few hours during the day that we were able to see her. In between times we would rotate between the three of us (Dad, Jena and myself) going back to the motel to rest.

It became increasingly difficult to go into that ICU room to see her. We wanted to be there, we wanted to be with her, but it so hard to see her the way she was. She was a little more responsive to us, but the hardest part was that she was unable to speak or move her right side (including her arm and leg) at all.

We visited with the surgeon that afternoon and he confirmed that there had been some brain damage during surgery. Mom wouldn't speak again, be able to walk on her own or move her right side. He also told us that the type of cancer she had was in the latter stages and very difficult to treat and usually patients with this type of cancer lived only 6 months to 2 years.

How shocked could we be? So shocked we couldn't think or even speak, the tears just started coming. We knew she had a brain tumor. We knew the risks of surgery could damage her brain and make her condition worse. But we were not expecting this.

When we walked back into Mom's ICU room, we could tell by her facial expression that she knew something was wrong when she looked at us. We didn't tell her much at the time, not knowing how much she was able to understand. We just tried to keep our attitudes upbeat and be encouraging to her. Thinking back on it and Mom's response to us, she knew more and understood more than we thought she did. But I'll never forget the look on Mom's face as we walked into her room after receiving the news. That look of anguish and helplessness. That look of wanting to say something, but unable to.

To me that day was harder than the previous day of surgery. We were faced with something that would only get worse. We didn't know at the time how quickly things would progress and didn't ever expect Mom to be gone in less than two months time.

But as Dad and I were talking this evening, we can rejoice for the time we had with Mom and be thankful for the life she lived. We can be thankful for her Godly example to us girls as well as many other people. For Mom, death was a time of rejoicing; she had a much better future to look forward to. It just makes is difficult for those of us she left behind. But oh-what we can look forward to as believers!

Today was just the start of a difficult couple of months...

As I was doing laundry, cleaning and doing various other things upstairs today, I couldn't help but remember this day a year ago.

I can remember Dad and Mom being in Wichita, having an appointment with the MS specialist Dr. I can remember Dad calling home and saying that the lesions on Mom's brain were not related to MS, but were in fact a brain tumor. I can remember Dad saying they had to stay in Wichita so more tests could be done at the hospital the next day.

I can remember Dad being barely able to talk, concerned about Mom and in tears. I can remember hearing Dad's tears and that started my own. I can remember calling Grandma and hearing her worried voice when she heard the news.

That day was difficult. I don't think we fully realized at the time just how hard the days to come would be, what would be involved and how little time we had left with Mom. Those days, I would not want to go through again, but oh-how we learned to fully depend on the Lord and His strength!

This day, a year ago and years before that...

I actually meant to post this yesterday, but we were at the fair for most of the day and I didn't get to it, so here it is today.

September 14th is a special day, but perhaps more significant this year more than any other. September 14th is Mom's birthday. That one day in September that my sisters and I tried to do something special for Mom. That one day in September that Mom knew she would be one year older. That one day in September that I'm glad happened or I wouldn't be here!

Through the years, my sisters and I would always come up with something special for September 14th. Sometimes a little item we bought for her or maybe just a card (even e-cards!), but it would be something to show we loved and cared for Mom very much.

I'll never forget the first store-bought gift we ever bought for Mom (and it was probably the first thing we bought on our own, also!). I can't really remember how old we were (I'm sure I wasn't any older than 10 or 11), but Jena, Krissa and I decided to surprise Mom with a candle from Wal-Mart with one of her favorite scents. We always went shopping with Mom every week when she did her grocery shopping, so we knew it would be a challenge to get it at that time, but we didn't really have any other choice. We couldn't go shopping on our own and Dad was working for AT&T at the time and unable to take us. Do you know how hard it is to get a surprise gift for someone when they are right there??

I'm not quite sure which one of the three of us thought of the plan, but we had a plan in place. All three of us would leave Mom while she was shopping go look at the candles and decide on one to buy. Then I would go through the checkout and pay for it while Jena and Krissa found Mom and kept her distracted so she wouldn't spot me. The candle was small enough that I could stick it inside my jacket and it wouldn't be too noticeable after I paid for it. If I tried that now, I'm sure the Wal-Mart anti-theft cameras would catch me on tape and I'd probably be stopped for trying to stuff something in my jacket. :)

Anyway, that was the plan. And it worked well until...I was checking out and realized I didn't have enough money to pay for the candle. So I did the first thing that popped in my head and still to this day can't believe I actually did that! I told the clerk I would be right back. I ran back to where I knew Jena and Krissa were keeping Mom distracted, dug in Mom's purse that was in the front of her shopping cart, found her billfold for several quarters, ran back to the checkout aisle and finished paying for my item.

Were there a line of people waiting to checkout behind me? I don't know. Did the clerk think I was crazy? Probably or maybe she just felt sorry for me that I didn't quite know what I was doing. Who knows? But I managed to buy the candle, get it inside my jacket and get home without Mom having a clue what we did.

Mom treasured that candle for years, only burning a little bit of it at a time. It wasn't much; just a candle, but the thought and effort we put into getting it was special to her. I don't recall if we told her our escapade of getting it, but that made it all the more fun getting it for her and surprising her with it. I'll never forget that September 14th!

Last year at this time was quite different from years past. Krissa was in South Carolina at college and had sent Mom a card. Jena and I bought Mom some fresh flowers that we knew she would enjoy. Mom was not feeling well and we were still trying to deal with the shock of her diagnosis of MS only a little over a month ago. Her health was declining everyday and we couldn't understand why. Mom had days where she felt better than others and this was one of the worst. Little did we know on that September 14th that her next birthday would be spent pain-free, rejoicing in heaven.

Although this day brings sadness and some tears, it also brings great joy! I'm thankful for so many things. For the years she could spend with us. For the lessons she taught me; not only in school from first grade through high school, but also in daily life. For the encouragement she was to me when I was struggling. For the godly example of a wife and mother. And for most of all - leading me to a personal belief and trust in Jesus Christ!

Even though this day brings some sorrow where in past years has brought joy, I can choose to rejoice and be glad for the years spent with Mom. We have wonderful memories that will be remembered in years to come!

The brick house with the beautiful purple flowers in front...

Last week Dad had given directions to our house to someone who was interested in renting our rental house. The phone rang about 20 minutes later and I picked it up. It was the same lady wondering if she was at the right house. She asked if it was a brick house with the beautiful purple flowers in front of the house.

I had to smile and just say yes. Mom would have been so pleased with the nice compliment on her flowers! And Jena and Dad have done a great job keeping them watered and looking so nice! Purple must be the color this year, because the climbing flowers were also purple.

A year ago...

After church yesterday, Jena, Krissa and I were talking about things that have happened over the last few years. Jena started a memories note on facebook and that's what got the whole thing started. So we were thinking back to the crazy/funny things we did when we were younger.

But that also got us to thinking about what we were doing a year ago. At that time, August 1, 2006, Mom had been diagnosed with MS. By the 13th, she had gone through 10 days of IV medications. Although she was showing just a few symptoms of right sided weakness in her right hand, arm and leg at the first of August, it became increasingly worse as the month wore on. She tired easily and was getting to the point where it was hard for her to do the daily things around the house she did.

Our thoughts and actions were geared toward treating the MS. We were reading about it, talking to people who had it and deciding what medications would the best for treating it. At that time, we had no idea that she had a brain tumor. Little did we know that the next few months would bring brain biopsy surgery, many Drs. visits, long hospital stays, chemo and eventually her passing away in November.

I remember moving my machine and quilt upstairs to work. I had a deadline to finish a quilt by the end of August for a quilt show. But I needed to be upstairs helping Mom with things, so I just packed up and moved for a few weeks. Somehow between things happening with Mom, I was able to get my Doves of Inspiration quilt started and finished in the month of August last year. I looked back to my blog entries last August and it's true. I look back now and wonder how I was able to get that all done!

The Purple Flowers

Mom loved working in her flower gardens around our house! Jena and Dad have done a wonderful job of keeping up her flower beds, watering and making them look nice.

Mom had tried for quite a while to get these purple flowers to vine up the black railing in front of our front porch. A couple weeks ago as we came home from church, the flowers looked so big and beautiful and they actually were growing on the railing and wooden trellis Dad put up. Mom would have enjoyed it so much!

A last postcard from Mom...

Last week I started digging through my camp supplies, planning for what I needed to do this summer for camp in July. I found the memory verses I needed and some other notes for events I am needing to plan this year. I also found a postcard Mom sent to us while at camp which brought a smile to my face as I read it.

For years, ever since we have attended camp in July, Mom has always written us a postcard, if not more than one during the week. It wasn't really necessary, we are only gone for a week, but she always liked to write what was going on at home with her and Dad and she always enjoyed it if we would write a note to her.

With cell phones, the past several years we have talked on the phone during the week instead of using snail mail. However Mom still usually sent one postcard to us during the two weeks we were gone.

As I read this postcard, it sounds just like Mom and what she would write. She wrote this July 17th, 2006. It was one of the last things she was able to write before her health started rapidly declining in August. Little did we know at the time, that this was the last note we would get from Mom and how difficult the next few months would be.

In July she started having difficulty writing (Unknown to us at the time - the location of the tumor in her brain was affecting fine motor skills such as writing or typing.) and she even says so in this postcard. Here are a few of the things she wrote. Mom wrote in shorthand with lots of abbreviations, so you have to decipher what she is saying. :)

Hi, Am watering Sun PM & Mon AM. Sun 101 degrees, Hutch 104 degrees. Dad stepped in the house next door. He said there were still some minor things still inside. So they have to finish cleaning. I have trouble writing - sorry. Dad is separating cattle this AM. I'm watering. We'll pray that the pkg. to England will arrive. Forecast - 107 degrees here today. Big Mama gets so hot outside. I spray her with water & give her ice water to drink. So sorry it's really hot there too & humid. Everything is so dry. Dad is watering the Cedar trees here. Krissa, I will take your video/CD's back to Lib. on Wed. They're due Friday. Miss you - tell my long lost daughter - Ruth - Hello! Love, Mom

Mom was always on top of things - watering her flowers, making sure the order I sent to England arrived, taking care of the dog next door and taking Krissa's stuff back to the library before it was due. How I will miss trying to decode a postcard from Mom this summer!!